A Whale of a Time

I’m sat at a desk in the grimy shit hole of a study area outside the offices, working on some things for my blog and writing projects, when I suddenly notice that there is a beached whale on the desk across from me. I struggle to contain my utter astonishment at the single most bizarre event since it rained frogs on Tom Cruise. How did a whale get this far inland and up the fucking stairs? It must have been riding one hell of a wave.

I get up and edge around the whale, trying not to alert it to my presence, like Chihiro trying to hide from the fat ass radish spirit in the elevator in Spirited Away. The whale’s mouth flops open and it wheezes in the local atmosphere. I’m frightened I might be sucked inside like plankton, but I pull away with greater and greater strides.

I  go over to two of my course mates who are sat not so far away, doing their own thing. I ask them the same question as I asked myself, but with more swearing. They look at me incredulously, then take a long stare at the block of desks I came from and then, one more stare, this time at each other, before bursting into a fit of giggles and shit. Still, they decide to play along.

“That’s not a beached whale,” said the tallest and, I have to say, the most striking off the two girls. Her round face, pouty lips and long straight hair would look more familiar on a K-Pop idol, but she too is Japanese.

“What is it then?” I continue, dead pan.

The other friend chimes in using the bubbly voice of girls who love mornings. “It’s the gym teacher.”

“That thing!?” I point, and then quickly lower my hand.

Now, you may call me rude for picking on an obese person, and I would agree, if he were a person. Unfortunately this guy is notorious to such a degree that he forfeited his right to respect long ago and everyone knows it. Not only is having a stomach large enough to arrive in a room several seconds before the rest of you does and wheezing for a couple of seconds during sentences because talking is too much exercise, a bad example to set for children in gym class, but so is forcing young female members of staff and students to give you a massage a bad example for all of civil society. Beware of whales, children!

If you don’t like this post, tough shit. It happened.


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