How to hate yourself

I hate myself. I know this because of my dreams. For most people I think dreams are where they do fanciful, amazing things, but in my dreams I am just as tied down by the weight of reality as I am when I am awake (whether or not we are ever actually awake is another argument altogether). I once had a dream where I had opportunity to sleep with an idol but I turned them down because of my real life partner. Okay. I’ve had several Spider-man style web swinging dreams and I had a lot of flying dreams when I was growing up, but now that I qualify as a full fledged adult, my dreams are definitely focused on the toll that reality takes on me. Not only that but my dreams go out of their way to upset me.

Case in point, early this morning I had a dream about my favourite band, SCANDAL. I often have dreams about them, of two varying types. In the first, they have a concert nearby but for some reason I cannot go and I’m trying and trying but things always stop me. In the second, I’m walking with a member of the band and we are talking about our deepest feelings and they give me counsel. This dream was a strange combination. So it should have been the best dream ever.

There was a concert and I was hanging around, determined to meet the band. I had the direct help of a man who claimed to be the band’s foreign manager, and I knew he wasn’t lying, even though they don’t have one in real life. After a minor setback where he got dragged into performing a ballet for a couple of hours, he led me backstage and I met them. “Sounds good so far. Where’s the proof that you hate yourself?” I hear you think, because my brain is powerful. Well, I should clarify that I love all the members of the band, but I have particular love for Rina, the drummer, and Tomomi, the bassist, the former for being one of the most caring people I’ve ever known and the latter because we are a lot alike and she’s freakin’ cute. So I know I hate me because I only had time to meet Mami and Haruna and it wasn’t even the real Mami. It was some older wine-shriveled, sun-lamp-torched woman, cackling crone who was starring as Mami in my dream. Well, I chatted with her anyway and I walked with Haruna but then I had to go. I was really sad. 

Now I’ll be fair here and point out that the girls were all showering when I came to see them (yum) and I had to wait for them to finish and come to see me, but any joy that brought me was dashed by the fake Mami, who made me realize I was in a dream. Everything was tinged with sadness from then on.

Now, the dream did take a happy turn. I was with family, traveling to the train station in a taxi to leave my holiday destination, when a call came over the tannoy system that I was wanted at front desk. I went there and the foreign band manager was there again. He said that Tomomi and Rina felt bad that they didn’t get to speak with me, so they arranged another visit. He took me to some meeting room in the offices where the whole band and some random staff and kids were sat around on mattresses. I sat down with Tomomi and she was being super childish, playing games and jumping on me like a two year old would and then Rina, I poured my heart out to her in a big speech about why I love her so much and everyone was crying. We took a lot of photos, and even though my phone ran out of power, my sister gave me hers. 

Again, all good. I even overcame a few problems. The sadness can be found in that I knew this was a dream, so it was like a cloud hanging over the whole event and the only reason I had the dream at all was that I forced myself back into it after waking briefly. So instead of waking and feeling happy that I had a fantastic dream, at the end I felt shitty with a heavy sadness hanging in my heart. I didn’t feel like crying, although I leaked a bit, I just felt like something cold and heavy was in my chest and I can still feel it there now. 

So how do I hate me?:

  • I block myself from my dreams
  • I remove all support to get me there
  • I give myself the least of my goal
  • I reduce time to enjoy it
  • I convince myself that anything good isn’t real.
  • I tear up my greatest dreams

Well done, me.

Ever had any lucid dreams, or those that tell you key points about your psyche? Let me know below. I’d also like comments from Scandal fans as I don’t have many people to talk to about them with.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. I love reading about what goes on in other people’s dreams! Thanks for sharing 😊

    Like

    1. Thanks. I love talking about them. Plenty more to come.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. William Ma says:

    What a clear and vivid dream. so detailed as if it really happened. And perhaps it did in another reality. That you really did meet them and this dream was an extension of yourself into the other reality. Count yourself lucky that you dream of Scandal. I have not had the pleasure of seeing them in my dreams. I am envious and happy for you, but also jealous lol. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t hate yourself because the dream doesnt turn out to be what you want. Rather, just cherish it memory and look forward to your next meeting with the girls.

    Like

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