Insomnia, something that happens to other people. Now, I’m another person. It’s one of those things that I thought was cool when I was growing up (yay, more time to watch my favourite tv shows and movies) but turns out to be pretty harrowing in reality. It’s like mental illness. I used to always think being crazy was cool because films about crazy people were funny. I remember thinking every time I heard of one that I would love that film, at the time. Now I shy away from them because I’m too aware of the hints of misery and despair within the comedy. The same is happening with insomnia.
It is pretty cool being awake all the time if you can keep yourself occupied, but the days seeming so long and that horrid sense of dread when you approach the bed to try, one more time, to sleep is draining. Worse is the exhaustion during day. I swing from deliriously happy to grimly exhausted at a moment’s notice but at least I entertain people, I suppose.
So don’t approach sleep expecting anything, not even the Spanish Inquisition. Stop trying to fall asleep. It never comes that way. You have to just stay busy until you become aware of how sleepy you feel and take advantage of it. It’s the only way I’ve dropped off this week.
I guess it’s come up because of a buildup of stress, starting with my job, which is surprisingly busy and high pressure to perform and give a good impression. I hate it but I love it. I’ve been exhausted doing that and stressing about dealing with the responsibility I’ve been given. O top of this, losing my Masters course has left me aimless and drifting. I don’t know where life is going and I didn’t figure on getting caught in the workforce this early. I was supposed to study hard and travel, write and meet someone. Don’t let me become one of those lonely OLs!