How to bribe someone

Today I had this customer who wanted me to delay a payment on her order and she had a strange way of trying to persuade me. Naturally, I can’t change the fact that money must be paid for services rendered. This is the basis of all business. I can no more change it than I could convince gravity to go upwards for a bit. Yet, here was this woman ready to shout at a tree for her fruit falling to the ground. Only, as she spoke to the beautiful willow, which I am aware bears no fruit yet I feel best represents me, she held an open box of chocolate biscuits so close to my face I could have snorted crumbs. As she asked me again to do her a favour, she jerked the box underneath me. The message was clear, if I reversed gravity I could have the chocolate. Alas, I had no desire to reverse gravity, I kinda like the fruit falling to the ground; it’s nutrients return to the earth and nourish me in the long run.

“Oh, please do this for me,” she said, “I’m tired from shopping all morning and we’ve not got enough money until next month.”

Tough cookies, Chucky. Some of us don’t have enough money ever and have to work stressful jobs we don’t like to earn our fruit, and quite frankly, if you can afford to walk through the front doors of this establishment without feeling ashamed of yourself then you have enough money to cope with the monetary challenges of the business world.

So I told her that there was nothing I could do.  She pulled the box of chocolates away in disgust and said something to her fiancé. I pitied the man, but smiled blankly until they left. I even thanked them for coming because my boss was watching by this point and I need my fruit.

Goodbye, shitty lady. Don’t join the police force as a hostage negotiator.

Got any shitty customer stories? Let me know below.

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